Strictly Habitual
by My Vantilene
Summary: ***Major Dream Drop Distance spoilers*** He pounds on the Heartless, and swears it's strictly habitual. Just a little character study based on recent events. Platonic Axel/Roxas/Xion


_If you're reading this, make sure you've finished Dream Drop Distance before you continue. There are major spoilers all over the place._

_Spoilers._

_There are a lot of spoilers._

_All over the place._

_Is the coast clear?_

_Alright then._

* * *

There are still Heartless.

Of course, there are still Heartless, it's not like they went anywhere. But Axel — Lea, his name is Lea now — has been so busy, his mind enveloped in other things, it had seemed like they were out of the picture for good.

But there are still Heartless, and the Heartless are still a problem. Not a very big problem, nothing that really requires any professional attention, but Lea can't help himself. Maybe it's something habitual, or something that became ingrained into his mind during his time in the Organization, but he goes after the Heartless, never stopping until every last one explodes into ash. He gets something out of it. Whether it's accomplishment or listening to something his heart— which, yes, he definitely has— tells him is hard to say.

Every time he runs after the little onyx carapace monsters, he tries to do so with two crimson chakrams in hand. Without fail, he brandishes the chakrams first. But when he tries to strike, it's the Keyblade that actually lands the hit. The other hand feels empty, and everything else in his body feels off; his stance, his feet, his shoulders, his chest. It's all wrong. So he'll grab the Keyblade's handle — and even that feels wrong, wrong, wrong; so different from the weight and proportion of his chakrams — with two hands, so maybe his left feels a bit better. It doesn't help the loss as much, but his fighting gets a bit better. A bit. Not a whole lot. Because he really is terrible at wielding it. Sora and Mickey, and on occasion, Riku, will renew their offer to help him, but his gut — no, that's Nobody talk, his heart — tells him that there's only one way to do this.

There was only ever one person who could teach him.

It's not until much later that he realizes why changing his weapon is upsetting him to such a degree. Sure, it seemed like something he was more than willing to do when it meant saving everyone, but now that the danger has somewhat dissipated, permeating the air no longer, it felt more like spinning on his own head than holding a legendary blunt object. But he gets it now, the reason he goes after the Heartless, why the Keyblade bothers him so much.

Everyone's ready to move on, and to everyone, he seems to be going full-steam-ahead as well. But he's really worlds and years away from where everyone else is. Going after the Heartless with his chakrams reminds him of his missions with Roxas. It helps fill the gap between then and now, and despite that, there's still that agonizing ache of being so close, but so far, (worlds-and-years-away far) from being reunited with his best friend.

Holding the Keyblade makes it worse.

To be perfectly honest, he hasn't exactly been perfectly honest as far as his level of mastery over the Keyblade. He messes up on purpose, because when he tries, it hurts. The stance is Roxas, the grip is Roxas, and the weapon itself is Roxas. And while all of those things hurt equally, nothing can penetrate Lea more than when he feels the Keyblade. The cool metal is biting and icy, reminding him that Roxas is as good as dead, but he swears that it has a pulse too. Some sort of heartbeat going on inside the soulless sword, and it taunts him, echoes of promises he made, but never fully kept. And there's also that slamming frustration because he didn't keep the promise to always bring _them_ back.

_You made _us_ a promise._

Us, them, they're both plural, and he's more cognizant of that fact when he wields the Keyblade. The cool metal is too biting and icy to carry the blow and grief of just one friend lost. The pulse of it is too warm and too loud to be one heartbeat, rather two in sync. He tries to remember whose death he forgot, but in between him and the memories, is some impenetrable wall. One he also slams his head against repetitively because he feels so stupid to have forgotten someone. Him! Lea! The only firm believer in being eternal through memory! It isn't like himself to forget a face, a voice, let alone a friend. It was impossible.

But any faith he had in impossibility had vanished years ago, so he knows that he's loss something, even if he can't find a name or a face to match.

At first he thinks it's Isa, but that's a completely different hurt he's already come to terms with, and even the suggestion makes him frustrated.

Wielding the Keyblade right only increases his frustration because he can feel two hands guiding him, feeding him information, and watching over him. Which that, in and of itself, is completely backwards. He was their fierce protector, the one they came to for sound advice, the one who told them what they needed to know, not vice versa. And he feels so close to the person he forgot, to the person he couldn't save. Somehow that makes everything much, much worse. Being close hurts the most when it's from across parallel lives.

They're such close parallel lives, hardly a hair between them, but it's still preordained that they'll never meet again. There's no hope and an overabundance of the stuff at the same time.

Lea's just confused.

So, he pounds on Heartless, and swears it's strictly habitual.

* * *

_A/N:_

_Don't read if you don't like rants. _

_So Axel has a Keyblade. If this was any other character, you would hate him for being Mary Sue-ish, but it's Axel, and you love him, so you're going to take down that point of "Not everyone can wield a Keyblade" when flaming an OC-centric story. There is a big double standard for Axel and Xion in the fandom and it just makes me angry. I love Xion and Axel both to death, and the twists they come with, which aren't last-minute additions on Nomura's part, but things that can be backed up with canon exchanges before actually revealed. Tetsuya Nomura had the entire story plotted out from the very beginning way back in 2002, so there are no "Hey, let's throw this in because they need a Kairi in this game" suggestions. And if you honestly hate Xion just because she is the fourteenth member of an organization of thirteen, that's a bit sad. I'm not angry because you don't see things my way, I'm sad because you're letting a small detail keep you from experiencing such a wonderful character. Or maybe you think she's Mary Sue-ish because everyone loves her? That's not true. She's one of the most unloved characters in the franchise. She has Axel, Roxas, and barely Riku. The rest of the Organization considers her an abomination, Ansem the Wise sees her as nothing more than a puppet, and no one else cared for her that much. Also, think about it. Nomura's never been around fanfiction. He thinks he was being clever with these twists. And it seems like the standard for Mary Sue is the description of evey character ever sometimes. I know plenty of great characters that fit the description of Mary Sue. Tohru from Fruits Basket is a big one. Haruhi from Ouran Highschool Host Club. Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist. So. Just. I guess don't hate on characters is my point? Kay, thanks, love you, bye._


End file.
